Marriage-Friendship

Marriage, as I have always envisioned it:
Two best friends living together. Only additional factor being that they share a sexual relationship.

Over the last few years I had begun to think that that was a very utopian idea..maybe my vision was too idealistic..such things never happen in real life. I was beginning to get disappointed and disillusioned a little even. Thought I would pen my thoughts down before they go away completely.

How would life be with two best friends living together?

They respect and love each other.
There is equality in the relationship - Equality in decision making, equality in responsibility sharing.
They are accountable to each other.
They each have their own dreams, passions, career aspirations and life ambitions.
They motivate and push each other towards achieving these dreams.
They support each other when in need of support.
Finances are split equally - But they are never a point of contention.
Household chores are split equally - Again there is no fixed rule, but it automatically is split equally because each person feels its their responsibility (Unlike in most marriages I know where a man contributing to household chores is seen as a 'help' by everyone including the wife, and a wife doing the same is seen as doing her 'duty'. Ofcourse when it comes to earning it works the other way around)
They respect each other's families and make sure they get along well with each other's parents and families and usually do a good job with it.
They share every detail of their life, thoughts and ideas with each other, however small, silly, major or crucial.
Very importantly they trust each other about everything mentioned above and are there for each other when in need!

Now why cant this be replicated in a marriage?! Why have I heard many people say, friendships go down when converted to relationships. That is not because friends should not become husband-wife, but just because various external and internal factors come into play to disrupt the previously harmonic co-existence of the same two inividuals. Sound complicated eh? Basically to put it in simple terms, as soon as the word marriage is associated with them, some things start changing, start moving around. What are these 'some things'? They are nothing but expectations. Expectations of what is expected of the two individuals in their new roles. These changes are influenced by society, by family, by the two individuals themselves. Both the guy and girl involved see a change in expectations and routines around them. Societal expectations also play a significant role here. However if the individuals are strong enough, this doesnt have to happen! They can continue to share that wonderful supportive relationship and transition from friendship to marriage smoothly and amicably. Today I saw an example of a couple who seemed to have made this work. They were guest speakers in one of my classes. Both doing very well in their respective careers, with two kids and a 10 year marriage going strong. (May God keep them thus!)

Seeing them reminded me of my old ideas about marriage that I had started letting go. Maybe I shouldnt let go. Maybe I can work it out that way with whoever it is that enters my life. It is afterall all about setting expectations right at the offset and maintaining open and honest communication throughout. Add to this willingness to be objective and compromise when needed (exactly like how you would with that best friend of yours). And finally not taking the other person for granted. These together build a sense of almost unshakeable trust in the relationship and with the mutual respect that already exists, thats the formula for happiness with your life-partner!!

Simple, isnt it! ;D

Easier said than done of course!! Execution is the HARDEST part here. But it CAN be done. Thats where it matters to find a person who you would be willing to make this work for. Not who you think will do this for you, but who you think you could do it for!

It is not easy to defy 'norms'. But if the end goal is one that does something good to society, sets a better example for others to follow, changes a norm that existed because people werent brave enough to defy it and more than anything else makes you happy, then it surely is worth the initial standing-up to what you believe in. Especially when you can see that your stance is not wrong, is not harmful. It worked for these two individuals who came to my class because they made the effort to make it work. They started on a clean slate. They did not let society write the slate for them. They wrote their own rules. They agreed on some, agreed to disagree on some. But it was all theirs. It wasnt imposed by what 'norms' already existed. It doesnt come easy. It needs a lot of strength and conviction and hanging in there. In the end everyone else will see things your way and the overall happiness will be greater than what it would have been had you gone down the tried and tested path.

Ultimately however, the caveat to all I just said is that Marriage is a gamble! You can only do everything possible from your side to make it less risky. But there are so many more factors not in your control that can dictate terms and so you need to learn to accept, forgive and move on and continue to live life by your convictions. Beliefs change, values change, priorities change, however the spirit of enthusiasm should never fade!

Its all in the game of life!! :D Whats life without a little adventure!! ;D